gotta gotta be down, because i want it all.

Lately, there have been two prominent topics recurring, time and time again, within my thoughts. These are:
1. Writing
2. Travel
While this month off from school will give me plenty of time to do some writing and gather inspiration, I won't be able to travel until spring or summer. I am trying to get a job (literally, I will work anywhere) so that I can pay for myself to go somewhere, anywhere by myself. I have a long list of places I'd like to get away to (who doesn't) but it's at the point where I don't even know where to begin. If I can make enough money, I'd love to be able to spend a month or two wandering around Europe, but then again there are many other places which greatly appeal to me as well. For instance: Iceland, Egypt, Nigeria, Brazil, Bolivia, Peru...the list goes on. But somehow I think I will end up back in England or perhaps even more likely, France. I got to spend two weeks in Nice/Cannes/Frejus in Southern France a few summers ago, but I never made it to Paris and God, how I want to go to Paris! It's the city of the writer practically, Burroughs, Kerouac, Fitzgerald all fell in love with it. The more I think about it, the more I feel the inherent obligation to go.

I've been listening to You May Already Be Dreaming by Neva Dinova this week...really good album, lyrically & musically.

I left my Ginsberg Collected Poems in the apartment in White Plains :( Don't worry, baby, I'll be back after Christmas.

An Eastern Ballad by Allen Ginsberg

I speak of love that comes to mind:
The moon is faithful, although blind;
She moves in thought she cannot speak.
Perfect care has made her bleak.

I never dreamed the sea so deep,
The earth so dark; so long my sleep,
I have become another child.
I wake to see the world go wild.

a creature is a creature, though you wish you were the wind.

Amp Energy started off today.  I've never tried it before because I usually just have coffee or if any energy drink, Red Bull, but it was actually pretty good.  

Other good news:

I found my cellphone.  

Fleetwood Mac is touring in March (and Stevie Nicks will be there)!  Must must must go.

Back to the city within the next few days.

Had my last class today, Poetry Workshop.  

Talked about the books of poetry that we chose to read and brought in a poem from an author that we admire.  I brought in Friend of the Darkness by Charles Bukowski, yeah, you know the guy Modest Mouse sang that song about.  He's a really awesome dude, the kind you could picture sitting in a seedy dive bar writing poems about bullshit and preying on beautiful women, imported beer in hand.  I've read two of his collections, "Love is a Dog from Hell" and "What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire."  

I have wanted to hear the new TV on the Radio album for

 awhile because I have heard good things about it (if I'm not

 mistaken, I think it was voted best new album by Rolling Stone) and last night, I got the chance.  It hardly resembles their other album which I really really like, but this one is also really good if you don't get hung up on the fact that it is very different from what they normally sound like.

II est amer et doux, pendant les nuits d'hiver.

I hate that I always forget how cold winter gets here.  I've been wearing a lot more pants than I normally would because I don't really have any warm coats at school other than fur ones and it's not everyday that I feel like wearing them.  I guess leather isn't bad, at least it blocks the wind, though it is definitely not thick enough unless you wear a sweater too.  I want this version of my everyday I don't know/I have nothing to wear outfit:

friend of the night

I wish I knew where this was because I would love to see it in person.

Have been listening to this album much lately, it is really impressive.  I always forget how much I like Mogwai.

I lost my cellphone.  No thanks to you, homework and Jager.  Not sure how I feel about this yet other than stupid for losing it, although I must admit, the constant time checking and break from text messages/phone calls is indeed liberating.  But it's only been a few hours.

Another semester comes to an end which means that break is just around the corner. Yesss.  I am excited for sleep and snow and tea and jazz on snowy mornings and a break from everything.  It will be weird to come back to White Plains after the holidays and live in the apartment alone.  It will be weird because it will be different, but with a car, it will be nice.  

I've been thinking a lot about traveling lately.  I'm getting the urge to go somewhere, anywhere maybe.  I don't know.  Maybe Greece or Egypt or Vienna or Paris or Iceland.  I need a job.  Then I can think more about this type of bullshit.

the best ideas are the ones spawned by margaritas.

The other evening whilst sipping margaritas and enjoying Mexican food, Courtney and I were surprisingly accosted by two foreign gentlemen.  They commented on our attire- "You know, you have a hole in your tights."  (No, really?)  Then one tried to touch my knee, where the hole was, and I all but politely said "You can't touch my knee."  Of course, Courtney was wearing flannel and slouchy leather boots and I was wearing a motorcycle jacket and eyeliner (oh and a ballerina-esque skirt that Lucien kept saying was very Madonna) so they took us seriously.  Kind of.  "So, you girls are rocker chicks huh?"  How do you answer that question...I think we may have utilized the eyebrow raise, which in case you were wondering is very effective.  The margaritas were starting to wane.  And anyway, I would have needed more alcohol to to deal with assholes like that.  They continued a few more meager  attempts at attraction (asked us to come sit with them, tried to play with out hair, etc) and then finally gave up and left.  So dumb but anyway, I am relaying this story because we created an interesting kind of pseudo backstory for ourselves.  And it all begins with:

volcanic rawr.

An interesting backstory is what you use to make encounters with assholes like this amusing.  Both to entertain yourself, in coming up with new details and to see how far you can take it without them questioning the reality of the situation.  Volcanic Rawr consists of Courtney Almeida, on the electric violin and acoustic guitar, Ela Tokay on the drums, Elizabeth Ruland on the piano, and myself with vocals and cowbell.  Volcanic Rawr is essentially a bad ass girl band that plays venues like Sullivan Hall, Terminal 5, and Music Hall of Williamsburg.  We got up to this point with the foreigners.

Anyway, the city was how I imagine the city always is.  I never realize that I miss things until I am back and it is late and I have no ability to change anything about it.  I live in White Plains for now and it is great but it's only for now and it always is where you aren't that matters isn't it?  I had the fortune of enjoying Le Fin Du Monde (delicious beer) and snowflakes in the streets.  It's interesting how with snow there tends to be too much or too little.  It has been too long since I have listened to music melting from a jukebox's speakers.  The evenings in New York somehow always manage to secure a place in my memory.

finals, essays, and assorted bullshit.

my life this week can basically be summarized with a single photo:

A big bottle of Jager and Pinot Noir are waiting in my room for the precise moment that I am done with this semester.

peach.

So I went to Georgia for the weekend.

These are some good things about the South:

-cost of living & pretty much everything is cheaper 

-they know how to make frozen margaritas

-they sell champagne (and pretty much everything you could ever want or need) at gas stations

-warm weather

-people are generally more polite, whether or not it is genuine varies

-you can smoke cigarettes in restaurants, at bars, and even inside of gas stations

These are some bad things about the South:

-sense of militancy

-rednecks

-conservatives

-ignorance

-everything closes early

-no beer on Sundays (what the fuck)

I went to the SOA protest while there and will post pictures and more shit once I get them developed.

You should probably check out this calendar online.  The photography is amazing and it's hot.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.  I'm planning on being in the city in two weeks, so let's party.

the more i do it, the better it gets.

Could it be true?  I hope so.

I have an interview with American Apparel in like an hour, I really hope I get the job.  I would work pretty much anywhere at this point, I'd just like to remember how it feels to be somewhat self sufficient.  And the extra money wouldn't hurt either.

A few weeks ago when I was at home, I downloaded a whole bunch of new music.  The bands that stick out the most are: 

The Fiery Furnaces

Wintersleep

Mew

The Mountain Goats

I've also been rediscovering the genius (and convenience) that is Pandora radio.  Whenever I'm in the Mac Lab at school (which, as of late, is often), I listen to it online.  Death Cab stations always play really good songs (the other day, I heard stuff from The Postal Service, Frou Frou, Snow Patrol, Pulp, plus those really good old Death Cab songs that I love but always forget exist like Photobooth and Amputation).  Courtney has told me Boards of Canada also turns out some pretty awesome bands, the kind of music that "normal people" (and by this, what I guess I mean is non-indie) ask politely if you could change when it comes on in the car.  I really like 1969 and A Beautiful Place Out in the Country by them, but I haven't had the chance to listen to their station on Pandora just yet, so I'll hold off on the judgment.

Today was deceptively sunny and extremely cold.  But no snow.

an evening spent in the library.

It's nights like this, spent nestled in a nook amidst stacks of books piled high in musty corridors, that make me consider a life of crime. But that could be the homework. In any case, you should probably read this article if you have ever, seriously or not, felt similar.

http://gawker.com/5072549/its-a-great-time-to-be-a-pirate

Today was a good day, though. I woke up and went for a walk. It was temperate and for the first morning in awhile, it was not precipitating. The leaves lay in piles along the curb and formed drifts on the street corners...I hear it is going to snow tomorrow. Or rather, "there is a chance." Isn't there always a chance? I stopped at the bank, expecting to have to wait three days for my out of state check to clear when I realized that logically, I could just cash it instead. I went to Camille's for a bagel, breakfast for the first time in a week, it tasted spectacular. Then I went to the nearby mall. Bought a few things because I haven't in awhile, or a little bit at least, and it's nice to treat yourself when you can because you can't always. I had around an hour to spare before the bus came so I walked to Starbucks. Chai tea, my guilty pleasure. Sat down at the only table left in the place, which conveniently had the New York Times laying open on top, exposed, listened to my Ipod, wrote some poetry, drank my drink. Took the paper to read on the bus. Felt more relieved than I have felt in a long time when I read the headline explaining that Iraq's government finally approved a plan for the total withdrawal of American troops. Was annoyed to see that no troops would be moved until June at the earliest, with the totality extricated by 2011 at the earliest. I think I am going to write an article about the situation.

It's funny how things work out some of the time.

friday.

overcast days spent half asleep walking to the transit center which is approximately a mile from our house, ipod blaring, mind somewhere in the clouds, or for that matter, the golden foliage which so lavishly litters the streets, thinking about the Red Bull in my bag which will get me through The Canterbury Tales and the subsequent classes, because as usual i was up too late the night before, and now i find myself absentmindedly humming whatever musician is singing only for me at the moment, like Morrissey most of the time, Joy Division if the sky is especially gray or I'm in the mood for Ian Curtis' delight in the miserable, Be Your Own Pet for the increase in speed it lends to my walking.

that was arbitrary, you're thinking. i guess it's one of those days.



sarah silverman really is the shit.

it's early for a Christmas list, but whatever.

an orchid or plant for the apartment.
interesting stud earrings.
Sultan Hogbo mattress queen, $200, not bad.  
something I have wanted forever.
caffeine is important in the morning.
a record player would be cool.

yes.

it's my initials!  only american apparel...
something new for my wall.
new heels.  Jeffrey Campbell always comes out with some cool ones & my brown ones have taken quite a beating.
I have wanted a necklace like this for awhile.  I love uncut stones, they're really unusual.
new Cheap Mondays now that my favorite ones have been rendered nearly crotchless.

I am going to get these cool Palladium boots eventually.  They actually look functional.
This perfume is discontinued but it is still my favorite & I will find it somewhere.
a fedora.

for memorizing when bored.

victorious.

  I have this slight obsession with wanting to remember things.  Sometimes it comes on unexpectedly and is spurred by a beautiful sunset or significant remark by someone close to me.  Other times, it manifests itself around something momentous- or at least, something which seems momentous to me at the time.  There is no doubt in my mind that last night was one of these such moments.

it's election day

go out there and fucking vote.

"politics is the art of controlling your environment"

reserving judgment is a matter of infinite hope

"Today is my twenty-first birthday.  I don't feel any different than at twenty,

but I suppose that's the thing about birthdays, they don't really change anything.

The candles are blown out and you're still where you were before, wherever that

may be, wedged between the path ahead and your own skewed sense of indecision."

-S.L.C.S. 11/01/2008

A great birthday weekend.  Memorable.  Exhausting.  Amazing.  

god save the queen.

i still hate nancy spungen...but this article is interesting.

Read Me

if you haven't already seen it, rent Sid & Nancy.  Sarah made me watch it last fall & I really thought that it was well done.

In other news, blackouts can be fun.  Angel, John, Courtney, & I finally went to Kennedy Fried Chicken and found that it is far better than KFC but probably best to go during day light.

Found this quote, I really like it: 

"Among those I like and admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those I love, I can: all of them make me laugh" -W.H. Auden.

Truth.

i'm drunk

fuck.

there are a mere nine days until my twenty-first birthday. nothing matters between that and fifty, really, so tHat means twenty nine years worth of partying in one night. done. good. it took far too long to type that. the great gatsby. i wish f. scott fitzgerald was still alive, i'd have a lot to ask and say to him. plenty. twenty-nine years worth of comments and questions. good.

i really like the word ambivalence. i'm hardly ever ambivalent, is that a bad thing

it's all synthetic but it's all we've got.

Now, this woman was rock n roll. Anita Pallenberg, common law wife to Keith Richards and romancer of basically everyone who mattered, including Brian Jones. She is credited with singing back up vocals on "Sympathy for the Devil" and acting as muse to both the Rolling Stones and other bands. Her resume also expanded to fill acting and modelling. Plus, her sense of fashion can only be described as killer.

Why is New York so cold already?

Life.

(pluto)