There is a Light That Never Goes Out

postcards from italy

2009-06-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

thought

2009-05-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

"Perhaps people like us cannot love. Only normal people can- that is their secret" -Herman Hesse.

pardon all the time that you've thrown into your pale grey garden

2009-04-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

So...it's been awhile.

I have a lot of songs for now, this moment, but not words. I'm not sure why that is.

Everything is changing, everyone feels it in the air, their bones, the grass. It creeps up your spine real slow and like a scripture, makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't know why, this is simply how it is, how it has become. We are all chained to change and to the illusion of it.
I've got grand plans for my sense of satisfaction and purpose this summer and subsequent year but am still despite myself, inherently frightened to turn my back on everything that I have ever known or been taught is acceptable.

i used to do handstands for you.

2009-03-24T06:17:00.001-07:00

I am in the library and it is 9:17 a.m. and I have not gotten any sleep. Luckily, my homework is now done and I have black coffee in hand which will greatly aid my exhausted body in remaining awake throughout the ever so enthralling Library Information class I have at 10:45. Isn't homework ridiculous? You think they would have come up with a better approach to learning by now. "Worksheets" in college make me want to laugh, cry, and die simultaneously. I just reread these few sentences and I think they get across the state of my mind right now so I guess that's that. Go caffeine!

Just Be Here Now

2009-03-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

"I will take you to the Big Tree if you want to go there."
Sat on wet grass intersection of sky and stone, two oaks
extend upward like hands saying alms to oppression.
Lost phrases hang between us like constellations.
I do not have words for your lack of words.
Before us,the souls of stars long dead.
Maintain the illusion.
Is that a cricket or a car alarm?
We are among the trees tonight.

listening

2009-03-16T14:10:00.001-07:00

This list is primarily intended to make it easier for myself to continuously watch some videos that i have already wanted to be
continuously watching.

i accredit ela w/this

"this is about when we were younger"

"it's all synthetic but it's all we've got"

the first song i remember my parents ever playing

forever in debt to your priceless advice

2009-03-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

night one: Ela and I cooked & ate like kings, bruschetta, stuffing, & lamb w/rosemary

night two: lack of pictures. Fernando & Crowe came to chill. We went to see Jacquie at this strangely fun bar near Fordham in the Bronx, hung out with some bros, made them buy us shots (Jager then Jager then something mysterious that may or may not have been a Kamikaze then Bailey's), hit a Dutch that wasn't ours, chased some bagpipers, then got driven back home to my apartment, & cooked another amazing meal at 3 a.m.

night three: Ela and I found ourselves in the great New York City. We went to Crowe's apartment on the UES and hung out for a little while until we got sick of watching basketball on a flatscreen t.v. and drinking forties. Eventually we made it downtown and walked around for awhile until we found this quaint used bookstore near St. Marks with trippy posters in the window from old Grateful Dead concerts. It was lust at first sight. We spent a half an hour in there, mostly drifting between the philosophy and poetry sections, until we decided that the cash in our pocket wasn't going to miraculously multiply as time wore on. (If only such things were possible.) Our next discovery was a wonderful little used record store that literally made my head hurt because there were so many good albums in it. Ela and I vowed to go back when we had more money and headed out to meet Oli, who was just returning from D.C., at Continental (because who can beat 5 shots for $10). After getting sufficiently drunk, we headed to Lit. On the way, we saw this great mural of a man in a boat on the ocean. We drunkenly admired it and stole a sign that was abandoned nearby that read "NO SMOKING."

At Lit, there was the usual Jager shots, Jack & Coke, Svedka Clementine (in actuality, quite good), some forty-five year old Harley Davidson enthusiast who just had to tell me that I was "seriously sexy," and a few guys who bought Ela and I some Red Stripes. We proceeded to the next bar but apparently were more inebriated than expected and ended up sitting alongside some building in the midst of construction. Somewhere along the line I started telling two of those skinny punk kids who hang out alongside Search & Destroy that they obviously did not understand the philosophy of punk if they were standing on the streets politely begging passersby for money. "Tell them they're fucking slaves! Make them hate you! Why would you want their money that's tarnished by consumerism and everything that you're supposedly against?" Then I made out with them. Then we went home.

night four: Exercise extravaganza. Ela and I hit the gym, dance studio, then went for a walk and run outside.

night five: Back to the city. Entrepreneur time! Ela and I baked cookies that we decorated with icing and went through the clothes we never wear any more and decided to sell them to make some extra money to go out.

We found a corner in Williamsburg. Right under this sign "The Whitest Kids You Know." It wasn't even intentional. How perfect. $132 in a little less than 4 hours. Oh and the best part, we were featured in a documentary which will appear on French t.v. On the off chance that this becomes critically acclaimed, I will leave everything behind in a heartbeat and move to France. Plus, we got to go back to the used bookstore near St. Marks and buy a book each! I got Dublin's James Joyce and Ela got a Saul Williams book of poetry which we read aloud from the whole night.

At night, we ventured back to Continental where upon entrance, we ordered 5 Jager shots each. Then straight to the Jukebox for requests we never even got to hear because there were so many people. Ela chose Kashmir by Zeppelin, I chose Suedehead by the Smiths. We both wanted to hear the Strokes as well. Somewhere along the line we ended up meeting these IT guys who bought us at least 15 tequila shots and Irish car bombs each. Then we made out. Then Sonja, Oli, Ari, and Dave came and we did a few more Jager shots with them. Then we left. I got falafel and shared it with everyone as we walked to the next bar. Oli and I somehow got separated from everyone and decided to head down to the LES. Annex then Dark Room, which was a good time. Then we found everyone else and Ela and I went home.

Spring break was all in all, a great success.

sunshine and clouds and everything proud.

2009-03-06T15:02:00.000-08:00

What do you need?

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced I could be happy on the most simple terms: a small place with a large piece of land by the forest or the ocean with an old fashioned oak desk and my smith corona typewriter and large windows and a flower garden.

I want to go to Cuba. Guess I'll have to figure a way to do that while I'm still a student.

beware the ides of march

2009-03-05T12:43:00.000-08:00

You know, there's something about all of it that is just inane. An existence where we wander around, trying not to see or touch. The words spoken flowing so freely, sometimes bolstered by meaning, sometimes hollow and can you really ever distinguish? The beautiful is lost to the majority and that my friends, is lamentable. We destroy it instead of ensuring the protection that it is in need of. People do not regularly speak of the moon or trees, do not stand outside each day to watch the sun set, cannot smell the sweet aroma of awareness because it is not necessary to them. They do not need it. People who are happy.

Being "happy" is easy, my friends. Being "happy" is a retreat within the depths of disillusion or ignorance or career or religion or numerous other factors which contribute to the blindness that is becoming increasingly indicative of the society we live in. Does happiness exist? Yes. But perhaps it is a debilitation rather than a sense of relief. One cannot always be happy, but rather, will experience these crystalline moments, examples, lucidations, epiphanies, triumphs and cling to them forever, trying to alleviate the emptiness, and the memory of a time that has now become at best, foreign, and at worst, completely lost to us. We are haunted, my friends, haunted by our happiness and the ghosts it has claimed.

I wish I were not so nostalgic. I also wish that spring would come. But what good are wishes anyway?

the most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again, it's the most extraordinary thing in the world

2009-03-03T06:55:00.001-08:00

This week in pictures.

highway driving and sunsets in the garden state

thoughts and the lake that was majestic
photo: ela
coexistence, a hammock
photo: hope
take a walk on the wild side
photo: ela
this is not concrete
photo: ela
abandoned baby carriages and sangria on University and 13th

grapefruit on Fat Tuesday

after he got drunk on Patron and fell on Ela's birthday cake

in like a lion, out like a lamb

feelin good

2009-02-21T19:25:00.000-08:00

Today I had the pleasure of hearing someone's voice that I wasn't even aware I wanted to hear echoing through my voicemail. I have to call Mr. Shapiro back tomorrow but it sounds like I got the internship! I am oh so elated. This means (1) I get to write/edit/be an actual author/filmmaker's bitch for an extended amount of time (yes, this makes me happy- call me masochistic) and (2) I will have a reason to be in the city more often (which means happy hour after work every so often, finding new falafel places, searching for records on arbitrary street corners, beacon's closet, walking anywhere/everywhere ipod in hand, all the other wonderful and less than wonderful reasons I fell in love with New York to begin with). You may not know his name (you probably don't, I didn't) but that being said, Dana Adam Shapiro is the man. Like, the fucking man. He had a senior editor's position at Spin but gave it up to make what turned out to be an award winning documentary called Murderball. It's about paraplegics who play rugby. Also, check out this letter he wrote. It is entitled My Bloody Valentine and is aptly composed of the lyrics to 69 break up songs:

"Dear __________,

Your picture is still on my wall. A little black cloud in a dress, with your chrome heart shining in the sun — so pretty when you’re unfaithful to me. You don’t look different but you have changed.

It’s coming on Christmas. They’re cutting down trees, they’re putting up reindeer. It’s so cold in this house. I can’t stand the rain against my window. The bed’s too big without you. I’ll be sleeping with the television on, talking to the shadows from one o’clock till four, thinking how it used to be. It’s a desperate situation. All I perceive is wasted and broken. Yeah, we still go to dinner sometimes, but we don’t sneak a kiss when the waitress turns around. I’ve been forgotten.

You don’t love me and I know now. Nothing hurts like someone who knows everything about you leaving you behind.

Everybody’s high on consolation. Who would’ve thought that a boy like me could come to this? I go walkin’ after midnight, doing anything just to get you off of my mind. Confidentially, I never had much pride. But now I rock a bar stool and I drink for two. And then the jukebox plays a song I used to know:

“I used to fart under the covers and she’d just laugh.
She even cleaned my balls when we would take a bath.”

There’s always something there to remind me. I saw two shooting stars last night — I wished on them but they were only satellites. Is it wrong to wish on space hardware? It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time. Did you stand by me? No, not at all. Tell me, where did you sleep last night?

Oh shit. Don’t speak. Shut up, ’cause I know all about it. You keep lyin’ when you oughta be truthin’. Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you been messin’ around. Your cheatin’ heart, headed for the cheatin’ side of town. Kind of evil make me wanna grab my submachine.

You thought you could keep this shit from me? Into the arms of Mr. Rebound — that alley-cat-coat-wearin’ crumbcake, like a matador with his pork sword. You swallow his kids? Lookee here, honey — you don’t need to be coy. Why’d ya do it? What’cha gonna say now? Lift me up, hold me, just like you told me you was gonna do. That’s what I thought — you’re pitiful.

I wish I was as mellow as, for instance, Jackson Browne, but “Fountain of Sorrow” my ass, motherfucker. I’ve lost my equilibrium, my car keys, and my pride. There’s only so much wine you can drink in one life, but it will never be enough to save you from the bottom of your glass. I’m glad that you’re sorry, but it’s too late, baby, now it’s too late. Cry me a river. Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.

Wait. Give me my money back, you bitch. And don’t forget to give me back my black T-shirt. Take my picture off the wall. Give back my TV. I don’t wanna walk around with you. I don’t like a thing about your mother and I hate your daddy’s guts too. You can tell your dog to bite my leg. I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes — you’d know what a drag it is to see you. You’re just…a fuck. I can’t explain it ’cause I think you suck. I’m taking pride in telling you to fuck off and die. Die, die, my darling. Just shut your pretty mouth. Don’t call me anymore. And the next time your ass gets horny, go fuck one of your funky-ass friends.

I’d show you everywhere you’re wrong but I’m never talking to you again. If the phone doesn’t ring, you’ll know that it’s me.

Loveless,

__________ "

Oh and here's some nostalgia. My favorite episode, probably:

of course

2009-02-17T10:53:00.001-08:00

the planet for scorpio is pluto.

Pluto
Pluto is concerned with the unconscious or things not seen. It is associated with genitalia and human reproduction. Buried emotions tend to be one of it’s most active traits.

Elimination or abrupt change are a part of this planets characteristics.

Pluto, the mythical god, was the one that carried people to his land of death beyond the river Styx. No one could escape him. He was great at seduction.

This planet’s negative traits are slyness, criticism, secretiveness and cruelty.

Pluto is the planet of profound inner change and growth.

oh, inconvenience.

2009-02-17T08:24:00.001-08:00

too much coffee, lies, things misplaced

vingt et un

2009-02-11T15:46:00.000-08:00

To describe last night using any word other than "shitshow," would be to err. It was Courtney's twenty-first birthday so we did what any good standing friends would do: ordered two twenty four racks of Coors Light to our college campus (thanks completely legitimate beer delivery service) and started the toasting at 5:30 p.m. There was some chugging, some poetry, some painting, some dancing, some laughter. Some Jack Daniels? Some Jack Daniels. Then around 10 we decided it would be a good idea to take the Valiant to what is possibly the sleaziest bar in White Plains (you guessed it, Kelly's). Courtney tried to get on with a just opened Tall Boy, but the driver was afraid of it spilling, so she chugged the whole thing infront of him. Once we got to Kelly's one of our friends who was using my old driver's license couldn't get in so I proceeded to rationally (read: belligerently) argue with the bouncers and then we all left for another bar (Korova, which is actually very cool, it's modeled after the bar in one of my favorite books- A Clockwork Orange). This is where the night becomes hazy. There were lots of Pink Ladys (highly recommend this drink). There was also a point in time when I convinced the "DJ" (I use this term lightly) to let me play my own music only to realize that I had left my ipod at school. Oh and funny story, our friend threw up on the bartender's coat and our friend's friend threw up on what we later found out was the bartender's car. Then we got kicked out. I just saw Sonja and the bartender apparently texted her something along the lines of "Man, you guys were fun last night."

I haven't been writing enough lately, but this is my most recent poem:

New York

City of the insomniac
the strip steak
the philanderer
Your air is as rotten as your disposition.
Your gold paved streets are no longer visible,
no longer neccessary.
They say your have lost your soul.

...perhaps they are not wrong.
I have born witness under aching constellations
to your metabolic negligence that permeates the streets
like poison.
You are a casualty of the apathetic.
They say you are vengeful and I believe them,
for I have seen the faces of the dead who haunt your
haggard island in shackles leashed by men in suits
that cost too much.
You must realize you are enslaved of your own accord.
They say you are immoral and I believe them,
for you are the city of the existentialist, seeking solace
in the absurdity at the corner of Broadway
and desolation.
Your thousand churches are ornate but uninhabited.
They say you are deceitful and I believe them,
the web of lies you have so intricately spun falls like a
curtain draping your steel structures in shadow.
Your skies are not blue but grey.
They say you are destructive and I believe them,
answering in defense that it is but your nature.
You do not heed your own advice.

Oh ye of little faith, come disappear here
in this place, this empire, this inferno
to which one is drawn like a fly to flame.
You will become a familiar lover pr a recurring mistake
amidst the nothingness.

Come and show me a city with so persistent a spirit,
who regurgitates failure so often it has grown accustomed
to selling it as success, head held in the clouds so as to
look down on all of creation seen as inferior.
New York, you are instinctive and calculating with an
artillery of charm that is at best savage.
Always erecting,
destroying,
erecting once again,
you are cunning in your creation.

I can hear the contagious laughter rolling off your tongue
and across the Hudson as I pound away at keys that
will never feel your blind happiness or desperation.
If you never spoke again, it would be too soon.

I really miss the city. Everything about here is too small.

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt

2009-02-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

It's kind of unreal, life. I wish that I could snap my fingers and the ribbon on my typewriter would magically be fixed, that would help things. My instincts are quite good and I don't know why I don't trust them more, why I don't trust anything enough. Also I drink far too much coffee.

Enough introspection and bullshit, I'm never going to get to the meaning of life, the heart of it, on the world wide web...pretty sure that is irrefutable.

When will spring come? The question I keep asking myself.

Madonna's still got it.

if you're still alive by the time you're twenty-five should i kill you like you asked me to?

2009-02-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

“ Words, words, words! They shut one off from the universe. Three quarters of the time, one’s never in contact with things, only with the beastly words that stand for them."
— Aldous Huxley, Point Counter Point

The past week could have benefitted from walking around with this attached to my forehead. I really think that the depths of winter make people crazier than they'd like to admit to...logic is certainly discarded once we reach for our heavy coats ("no I absolutely cannot cross the quad to get to Dammann, that is too far") and I can't even begin to enumerate the amount of misconstrued conversations, there's no way the persistent cold weather drunken stupor is helping that either. As for me, I have taken to obnoxious amounts of black coffee, warm socks, and curling up under two down comforters.

I have also rediscovered my love for classical music (don't hate), especially Brahms.

maybe the scorpion can't help but sting

2009-01-30T23:05:00.000-08:00

A lot of good things and a lot of shitty things have happened the past few days but for once, I don't fucking want to talk about it.

Is there a better character on t.v. then Nancy Botwin?

when you're strange faces come out of the rain

2009-01-29T08:45:00.000-08:00

I am a complete and total sucker for street art. Ian Curtis by Jef Aerosol:

some visual proof that the past week actually happened.

2009-01-27T15:10:00.000-08:00

if i could eat any dessert for the rest of my life, it would be macaroons.

taking care of business

2009-01-26T14:27:00.000-08:00

I finally cleaned my room, which was excellent considering that I have found it is far easier to function in a space which possesses some sense of order, however minimal. Since I had around two hours at my disposal, the results were pleasing. I was so proud of myself that I took a few pictures, which I will post at some point later.

Thought: Was there anything cooler than Old New York?
Picture this...and red wine.
I keep thinking about how insane it was that prohibition actually happened. Like, pause with me for a moment on the subject. So, there was a point in time when it was illegal not to mention socially unacceptable to consume alcohol. Now if you live in New York City in an apartment close enough in proximity to a liquor store, you can get alcohol delivered to your door. Oh, how times have changed.

Hannah, now I know why you want to hear The Velvet Underground's record. I wish I were alive for this.

[...and is that Edie dancing in the background? You can totally see Warhol, backwards blonde wig and all.]

Today I got my backpack back from Angel, it has been in his room since the SOA protest in Georgia. Am in the midst of writing a short story/ article type deal on the subject. I'm happy to be reunited with two pairs of my best beat up leather boots and my iPod. Have been listening to a lot of Nouvelle Vague today. Why is it so cold again...

A certain local radio station is apparently raffling off tickets for the Grateful Dead reunion tour, would really like to see them play.

Thoughts

2009-01-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

The other day was a good day because I was starving at school already on two cups of black coffee (one at like 10 a.m. when I woke up, the other around 5 p.m. thanks to Pura Vida at the pub) when I started going through my bag, looking for who knows what (probably my cellphone which has by now mastered the disappearing act or Burt's Bees, the one major essential), and happened to stumble upon a grape flavored Blow Pop. It was probably from some night spent at the Levee, maybe from Yeasayer. But anyway, the point is that I really forgot how appealing (and awesome) candy (specifically lollipops) can be. Definitely a taste of nostalgia. Do you remember those commercials with the animated owl, How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie roll pop? I'm sure I must have lost count of that somewhere along the line.

Starbucks has this new program (read: promotion- whatever, at least it is for good) where you fill out a card pledging five hours to help your community in some way. "Let's get to work. Together." Their words, not mine. When you hand in the card through January 25th (which is actually really soon) they give you a free drink. I'm going to do it, but not sure in what way the town of White Plains could most benefit from my help...hmm, will have to think on that note.

Pass the time.

I need to get a job, I am cold and I like this coat

Listen to this album again.

And this is how glamour should be.

Tomorrow is Friday which means that it is both the weekend and Berman's party. Good thing I'm not one for hangovers.

It's one oh four a.m.

2009-01-17T22:04:00.000-08:00

I really really really want to get a record player.

not for sale any more

2009-01-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

Love them

For some reason, this isn't allowing me to post videos, so there is the link. It has been too cold lately, I hear it is supposed to snow (...again) tomorrow. Have reverted back to my old insomniac self, unfortunately I left the melatonin back at the apartment with my phone charger but I guess that was inevitable considering I had to leave again after (what, three, four hours of sleep at most on) New Year's day. I have been reasonably productive lately, lots of writing and reading and seeing things and seeing people and sitting on my roof staring at the stars. Just the way I like it. That being said, I am ready to go back. Almost.

This week should be a drunken blur:
back to White Plainsss
Steve & Brian reunion of epic proportions
Oli's birthday/barhopping in city extravaganza
Angel's birthday
President Berman's (Manhattanville's former president, gotta love him) huge party in the new building. That guy from Gym Class Heroes or something is djing, but more importantly there will be an open bar!!! Thanks, Manhattanville, you are clearly a superior establishment.

Anyway, I have been reading some good things lately- Synchronicity by Jung (centers on the topic of meaningful coincidences), The Night Torn Mad with Footsteps by Bukowski (of course it was amazing, though I still maintain What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire is better), Where the Sidewalk Ends (oh nostalgia! my mom got me it for christmas this year), Allen Ginsberg Collected Journals (haven't finished yet but very interesting, lends incite into his methods of writing, some original drafts of poems such as America, descriptions of dreams he had), The Kite Runner (my sister hates reading but she actually liked it, so I figured why not. was quite good, really gave you an idea of what afghanistan is like), The Myth of Sisyphus (Camus is by far one of my favorite authors and this is the only one of his books I haven't reread), Anne Sexton Collected Poems (brilliance), The Critique of Judgment by Kant (the essay on the beautiful is excellent), there are some more too but I can't remember at the moment.

The new season of Damages just started the other night and oh it is as good as ever. Though I'm not really one for t.v. since we don't have it at the apartment, I figure I might as well enjoy it now. So that means lots of Planet Earth and Cops. I'm tired of typing. Adieu!

saw this quote the other day in the city, not sure where it's from but it's great

2009-01-05T07:30:00.000-08:00

"I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

so this the new year.

2009-01-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

2009. A whole new year...hard to believe. So many things have changed since the last time I waited around with friends in New York City, counting down in a two bedroom on Christopher St. the seconds until the ball dropped, the bottles of champagne, johnny walker, patron popped and savored until their was nothing left to countdown to, the hugs at midnight, the kisses, the cab rides, the barhopping, the drunken French, the gaps here and there and everywhere throughout the night and hell, the year that followed. But that being said, 2008 did me good in the end, treated me well, and for that god knows, I can't complain.

I keep telling myself that I am going to do some things differently this year. I am going to do some things, for one. Some things that I want to. I am going to get my type writer repaired to start. Some travels will also be in my future (Paris and Tangiers? I'm hoping).

Happy 2009 everyone, I hope you had a spectacular new year, I look forward to sipping some Moet and getting unruly with you very, very soon.

You should probably read this: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15514
this too: http://www.angelfire.com/tn/plath/newdartmoor.html
this too: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/bowery-blues/

gotta gotta be down, because i want it all.

2008-12-18T09:59:00.000-08:00

Lately, there have been two prominent topics recurring, time and time again, within my thoughts. These are:
1. Writing
2. Travel
While this month off from school will give me plenty of time to do some writing and gather inspiration, I won't be able to travel until spring or summer. I am trying to get a job (literally, I will work anywhere) so that I can pay for myself to go somewhere, anywhere by myself. I have a long list of places I'd like to get away to (who doesn't) but it's at the point where I don't even know where to begin. If I can make enough money, I'd love to be able to spend a month or two wandering around Europe, but then again there are many other places which greatly appeal to me as well. For instance: Iceland, Egypt, Nigeria, Brazil, Bolivia, Peru...the list goes on. But somehow I think I will end up back in England or perhaps even more likely, France. I got to spend two weeks in Nice/Cannes/Frejus in Southern France a few summers ago, but I never made it to Paris and God, how I want to go to Paris! It's the city of the writer practically, Burroughs, Kerouac, Fitzgerald all fell in love with it. The more I think about it, the more I feel the inherent obligation to go.

I've been listening to You May Already Be Dreaming by Neva Dinova this week...really good album, lyrically & musically.

I left my Ginsberg Collected Poems in the apartment in White Plains :( Don't worry, baby, I'll be back after Christmas.

An Eastern Ballad by Allen Ginsberg

I speak of love that comes to mind:
The moon is faithful, although blind;
She moves in thought she cannot speak.
Perfect care has made her bleak.

I never dreamed the sea so deep,
The earth so dark; so long my sleep,
I have become another child.
I wake to see the world go wild.

a creature is a creature, though you wish you were the wind.

2008-12-11T10:34:00.000-08:00

Amp Energy started off today. I've never tried it before because I usually just have coffee or if any energy drink, Red Bull, but it was actually pretty good.

Other good news:

I found my cellphone.

Fleetwood Mac is touring in March (and Stevie Nicks will be there)! Must must must go.

Back to the city within the next few days.

Had my last class today, Poetry Workshop.

Talked about the books of poetry that we chose to read and brought in a poem from an author that we admire. I brought in Friend of the Darkness by Charles Bukowski, yeah, you know the guy Modest Mouse sang that song about. He's a really awesome dude, the kind you could picture sitting in a seedy dive bar writing poems about bullshit and preying on beautiful women, imported beer in hand. I've read two of his collections, "Love is a Dog from Hell" and "What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire."

I have wanted to hear the new TV on the Radio album for

awhile because I have heard good things about it (if I'm not

mistaken, I think it was voted best new album by Rolling Stone) and last night, I got the chance. It hardly resembles their other album which I really really like, but this one is also really good if you don't get hung up on the fact that it is very different from what they normally sound like.

II est amer et doux, pendant les nuits d'hiver.

I hate that I always forget how cold winter gets here. I've been wearing a lot more pants than I normally would because I don't really have any warm coats at school other than fur ones and it's not everyday that I feel like wearing them. I guess leather isn't bad, at least it blocks the wind, though it is definitely not thick enough unless you wear a sweater too. I want this version of my everyday I don't know/I have nothing to wear outfit:

friend of the night

2008-12-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

I wish I knew where this was because I would love to see it in person.

Have been listening to this album much lately, it is really impressive. I always forget how much I like Mogwai.

I lost my cellphone. No thanks to you, homework and Jager. Not sure how I feel about this yet other than stupid for losing it, although I must admit, the constant time checking and break from text messages/phone calls is indeed liberating. But it's only been a few hours.

Another semester comes to an end which means that break is just around the corner. Yesss. I am excited for sleep and snow and tea and jazz on snowy mornings and a break from everything. It will be weird to come back to White Plains after the holidays and live in the apartment alone. It will be weird because it will be different, but with a car, it will be nice.

I've been thinking a lot about traveling lately. I'm getting the urge to go somewhere, anywhere maybe. I don't know. Maybe Greece or Egypt or Vienna or Paris or Iceland. I need a job. Then I can think more about this type of bullshit.

the best ideas are the ones spawned by margaritas.

2008-12-07T19:33:00.001-08:00

The other evening whilst sipping margaritas and enjoying Mexican food, Courtney and I were surprisingly accosted by two foreign gentlemen. They commented on our attire- "You know, you have a hole in your tights." (No, really?) Then one tried to touch my knee, where the hole was, and I all but politely said "You can't touch my knee." Of course, Courtney was wearing flannel and slouchy leather boots and I was wearing a motorcycle jacket and eyeliner (oh and a ballerina-esque skirt that Lucien kept saying was very Madonna) so they took us seriously. Kind of. "So, you girls are rocker chicks huh?" How do you answer that question...I think we may have utilized the eyebrow raise, which in case you were wondering is very effective. The margaritas were starting to wane. And anyway, I would have needed more alcohol to to deal with assholes like that. They continued a few more meager attempts at attraction (asked us to come sit with them, tried to play with out hair, etc) and then finally gave up and left. So dumb but anyway, I am relaying this story because we created an interesting kind of pseudo backstory for ourselves. And it all begins with:

volcanic rawr.

An interesting backstory is what you use to make encounters with assholes like this amusing. Both to entertain yourself, in coming up with new details and to see how far you can take it without them questioning the reality of the situation. Volcanic Rawr consists of Courtney Almeida, on the electric violin and acoustic guitar, Ela Tokay on the drums, Elizabeth Ruland on the piano, and myself with vocals and cowbell. Volcanic Rawr is essentially a bad ass girl band that plays venues like Sullivan Hall, Terminal 5, and Music Hall of Williamsburg. We got up to this point with the foreigners.

Anyway, the city was how I imagine the city always is. I never realize that I miss things until I am back and it is late and I have no ability to change anything about it. I live in White Plains for now and it is great but it's only for now and it always is where you aren't that matters isn't it? I had the fortune of enjoying Le Fin Du Monde (delicious beer) and snowflakes in the streets. It's interesting how with snow there tends to be too much or too little. It has been too long since I have listened to music melting from a jukebox's speakers. The evenings in New York somehow always manage to secure a place in my memory.

finals, essays, and assorted bullshit.

2008-12-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

my life this week can basically be summarized with a single photo:

A big bottle of Jager and Pinot Noir are waiting in my room for the precise moment that I am done with this semester.

peach.

2008-11-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

So I went to Georgia for the weekend.

These are some good things about the South:

-cost of living & pretty much everything is cheaper

-they know how to make frozen margaritas

-they sell champagne (and pretty much everything you could ever want or need) at gas stations

-warm weather

-people are generally more polite, whether or not it is genuine varies

-you can smoke cigarettes in restaurants, at bars, and even inside of gas stations

These are some bad things about the South:

-sense of militancy

-rednecks

-conservatives

-ignorance

-everything closes early

-no beer on Sundays (what the fuck)

I went to the SOA protest while there and will post pictures and more shit once I get them developed.

You should probably check out this calendar online. The photography is amazing and it's hot.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. I'm planning on being in the city in two weeks, so let's party.

the more i do it, the better it gets.

2008-11-18T09:59:00.000-08:00

Could it be true? I hope so.

I have an interview with American Apparel in like an hour, I really hope I get the job. I would work pretty much anywhere at this point, I'd just like to remember how it feels to be somewhat self sufficient. And the extra money wouldn't hurt either.

A few weeks ago when I was at home, I downloaded a whole bunch of new music. The bands that stick out the most are:

The Fiery Furnaces

Wintersleep

Mew

The Mountain Goats

I've also been rediscovering the genius (and convenience) that is Pandora radio. Whenever I'm in the Mac Lab at school (which, as of late, is often), I listen to it online. Death Cab stations always play really good songs (the other day, I heard stuff from The Postal Service, Frou Frou, Snow Patrol, Pulp, plus those really good old Death Cab songs that I love but always forget exist like Photobooth and Amputation). Courtney has told me Boards of Canada also turns out some pretty awesome bands, the kind of music that "normal people" (and by this, what I guess I mean is non-indie) ask politely if you could change when it comes on in the car. I really like 1969 and A Beautiful Place Out in the Country by them, but I haven't had the chance to listen to their station on Pandora just yet, so I'll hold off on the judgment.

Today was deceptively sunny and extremely cold. But no snow.

an evening spent in the library.

2008-11-17T19:21:00.000-08:00

It's nights like this, spent nestled in a nook amidst stacks of books piled high in musty corridors, that make me consider a life of crime. But that could be the homework. In any case, you should probably read this article if you have ever, seriously or not, felt similar.

http://gawker.com/5072549/its-a-great-time-to-be-a-pirate

Today was a good day, though. I woke up and went for a walk. It was temperate and for the first morning in awhile, it was not precipitating. The leaves lay in piles along the curb and formed drifts on the street corners...I hear it is going to snow tomorrow. Or rather, "there is a chance." Isn't there always a chance? I stopped at the bank, expecting to have to wait three days for my out of state check to clear when I realized that logically, I could just cash it instead. I went to Camille's for a bagel, breakfast for the first time in a week, it tasted spectacular. Then I went to the nearby mall. Bought a few things because I haven't in awhile, or a little bit at least, and it's nice to treat yourself when you can because you can't always. I had around an hour to spare before the bus came so I walked to Starbucks. Chai tea, my guilty pleasure. Sat down at the only table left in the place, which conveniently had the New York Times laying open on top, exposed, listened to my Ipod, wrote some poetry, drank my drink. Took the paper to read on the bus. Felt more relieved than I have felt in a long time when I read the headline explaining that Iraq's government finally approved a plan for the total withdrawal of American troops. Was annoyed to see that no troops would be moved until June at the earliest, with the totality extricated by 2011 at the earliest. I think I am going to write an article about the situation.

It's funny how things work out some of the time.

friday.

2008-11-14T09:20:00.000-08:00

overcast days spent half asleep walking to the transit center which is approximately a mile from our house, ipod blaring, mind somewhere in the clouds, or for that matter, the golden foliage which so lavishly litters the streets, thinking about the Red Bull in my bag which will get me through The Canterbury Tales and the subsequent classes, because as usual i was up too late the night before, and now i find myself absentmindedly humming whatever musician is singing only for me at the moment, like Morrissey most of the time, Joy Division if the sky is especially gray or I'm in the mood for Ian Curtis' delight in the miserable, Be Your Own Pet for the increase in speed it lends to my walking.

that was arbitrary, you're thinking. i guess it's one of those days.

sarah silverman really is the shit.

it's early for a Christmas list, but whatever.

2008-11-12T14:33:00.001-08:00

an orchid or plant for the apartment.
interesting stud earrings.
Sultan Hogbo mattress queen, $200, not bad.
something I have wanted forever.
caffeine is important in the morning.
a record player would be cool.

yes.

it's my initials! only american apparel...
something new for my wall.
new heels. Jeffrey Campbell always comes out with some cool ones & my brown ones have taken quite a beating.
I have wanted a necklace like this for awhile. I love uncut stones, they're really unusual.
new Cheap Mondays now that my favorite ones have been rendered nearly crotchless.

I am going to get these cool Palladium boots eventually. They actually look functional.
This perfume is discontinued but it is still my favorite & I will find it somewhere.
a fedora.

for memorizing when bored.

victorious.

2008-11-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

I have this slight obsession with wanting to remember things. Sometimes it comes on unexpectedly and is spurred by a beautiful sunset or significant remark by someone close to me. Other times, it manifests itself around something momentous- or at least, something which seems momentous to me at the time. There is no doubt in my mind that last night was one of these such moments.

it's election day

2008-11-04T09:59:00.001-08:00

go out there and fucking vote.

"politics is the art of controlling your environment"

reserving judgment is a matter of infinite hope

2008-11-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

"Today is my twenty-first birthday. I don't feel any different than at twenty,

but I suppose that's the thing about birthdays, they don't really change anything.

The candles are blown out and you're still where you were before, wherever that

may be, wedged between the path ahead and your own skewed sense of indecision."

-S.L.C.S. 11/01/2008

A great birthday weekend. Memorable. Exhausting. Amazing.

god save the queen.

2008-10-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

i still hate nancy spungen...but this article is interesting.

Read Me

if you haven't already seen it, rent Sid & Nancy. Sarah made me watch it last fall & I really thought that it was well done.

In other news, blackouts can be fun. Angel, John, Courtney, & I finally went to Kennedy Fried Chicken and found that it is far better than KFC but probably best to go during day light.

Found this quote, I really like it:

"Among those I like and admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those I love, I can: all of them make me laugh" -W.H. Auden.

Truth.

i'm drunk

2008-10-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

fuck.

there are a mere nine days until my twenty-first birthday. nothing matters between that and fifty, really, so tHat means twenty nine years worth of partying in one night. done. good. it took far too long to type that. the great gatsby. i wish f. scott fitzgerald was still alive, i'd have a lot to ask and say to him. plenty. twenty-nine years worth of comments and questions. good.

i really like the word ambivalence. i'm hardly ever ambivalent, is that a bad thing

it's all synthetic but it's all we've got.

2008-10-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

Now, this woman was rock n roll. Anita Pallenberg, common law wife to Keith Richards and romancer of basically everyone who mattered, including Brian Jones. She is credited with singing back up vocals on "Sympathy for the Devil" and acting as muse to both the Rolling Stones and other bands. Her resume also expanded to fill acting and modelling. Plus, her sense of fashion can only be described as killer.

Why is New York so cold already?

Life.

2008-10-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

(pluto)

i had seven faces, thought i knew which one to wear, i'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care, but new york cares.

2008-10-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

thursday nights always turn out to be so worthwhile.

this morning i woke up at 8 a.m. (which, by the way, is late for me considering that i have to be on campus around nineish most days). i think that i may still have been drunk (oh how i love yager), but it's hard to say because i always wake up in a daze, whether it's caused by exhaustion or alcohol is hard to pinpoint. i stumbled into the shower, got out, and realized that i had forgotten a towel. Now, Courtney and I love a cold apartment- also, keep in mind our house is Victorian so it's huge and invariably freezing to begin with. as i'm sure you can imagine, i was not pleased. to make matters even better (read: far worse), when trying to exit the bathroom to get a towel from my room, the door decides to stick. so i'm standing there, naked and freezing and soaked, trying to yank open this oversized mahogany door for oh, i'd say a good ten minutes. there are days when i wonder if i am being tested by the universe or if my life is really just a sitcom...this morning was one of those moments.

thought i'd throw this in as well- dec 5th yeasayer concert, music hall of williamsburg. be there or be lame.

all these things that i have done

2008-09-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

I want to watch this movie again. I think it is buried beneath a pile of magazines in my desk at the apartment.

I just wrote a whole lot of bullshit but then I deleted it because it was bullshit.

Rain makes everyone insane, why is that.

i don't know where you are.

2008-09-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

I could tell you a few funny stories from the weekend like the fact that I woke up with two shiners at six oclock in the evening after falling victim to bro bar 08, which we ended up at accidentally for my friend's 21st birthday. But I don't think you want to hear about that. I don't even want to write about it.

Anyway, as of late, my life has been full of long walks and reveries. I've been having very strange dreams the past few nights, perhaps due to the fact that I basically walk everywhere now that J.J. (Courtney's car) is out of commission. It is a nice, although often inconvenient, change of pace.

It's hard to believe that autumn is already just about upon us. Summer seemed far too short. That being said, my birthday is also creeping around the corner and I am excited at the prospect of a great night of celebration- I think that the theme will either be Great Gatsby inspired or zombies (it's the day after Halloween). I'll keep everyone updated as the date grows closer.

i've been here so long my heart is a parking lot.

2008-09-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

This week can only be described in one word- weird.

Sunday started off anticlimactically. When driving to Trader Joe's to do some grocery shopping for dinner that night, Courtney's car started smoking. We immediately pulled over to see what was wrong and realized that green stuff was dripping from underneath the hood (probably antifreeze). We were scared that the car might like explode or something, especially since we happened to have charcoal in the trunk for the barbecue so got out right away and called roadside assistance. We had to wait what seemed like forever for the tow truck to come but we happened to be stranded right next to a construction site that was left open, so we basically got to chill on bulldozers, which was (given the situation) cool.

why so serious

made for construction, clearly

So...that happened. After we got home, we had the best dinner to be cooked in our apartment yet (grilled salmon, portabella mushrooms with feta cheese & artichoke hearts, potatoes, vegetables). We've been staying at school the past few nights, which sucks because it means that one of us has to sleep on the floor on this foldable foam planet mattress while the other gets the leather couch. Courtney and I keep it real, we rotate every other night. I don't know what we're going to do until her car gets fixed- either resort to public transportation, get a car service, or beg my parents to let me have my car.

The weather was beautiful yesterday and terrible today, the worst. It's strange how that works.

Fall Fest is this weekend, I think that I am excited. All of our friends will be back at school and the entire campus will be wastyface so it should be interesting. I'm thinking, at the least a good culmination to a weird week.

if you hate me so much what's with your obsession

2008-09-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Uffie has been getting a lot of play in Courtney's car lately. So have: the Beastie Boys, Sublime, Daft Punk (Live album), Death Cab (new album Narrow Stairs), and the Kings of Leon (On Call, best song). I feel like it's one of those music drifts where you just revert back to everything you ever used to listen to. But that could just be because we have yet to set up our internet.

It's only the second week of school and I already feel like I've been here a month. Sometimes in my lazier moments I wish that I could fake being brain dead so I could just enjoy not doing anything I didn't want to do but then I thought that pretending to be brain dead would probably suck just as much as doing things, so in actuality it's better to just do them. I guess. Philosophy is clearly not my major.

Anyway, this past weekend was crazy. Tine and Lucien and Lotty came back to Westchester and kicked off the weekend with a small suite party on Friday. Some weird things went on (a golf cart accident which left Tine's hand broken, circus theme, dancing with hockey?/lacrosse? boys in the rain at 3 a.m., trying to jump down the stairs and falling, the usual drunken sing alongs, the usual drama, the usual mess the following day) and there was a party in the castle, although those are usually more ridiculous than fun. Saturday was Whole Foods lunch date with me & Courtney, Lucien and Lotty. We ended up bringing back Vitamin E which is supposedly good for hangovers. Then Mariko's jam at the pub. Then Tour de Franzia! (In case I haven't already told you, this was a game conceived by Lucien/Tine- two teams, two boxes of Franzia wine, whichever team finishes their box first must run down to the quad and cross the victory line.) My team ended up winning (despite the odds which were stacked against us) and I was awarded first place individually. I won Tour de Franzia, yeah. Sunday, we barbecued with friends. Monday we drove Lucien back to the city, walked the streets for a hot minute, and went home. It was a day of no labor, which is always appreciated.

There is more, probably. But that is all for now.

i want a new world and i'm gonna try to type the numbers in right and build us a sky

2008-08-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

Back to school back to school...it's that time of the year again. I feel like renting Billy Madison for nostalgia's sake. Classes seem like they will go well- I'm taking the majority for either my major or minor which is a plus. Being a commuter (since Courtney and I now no longer live at school) is weird, although mostly great. The past week has been full of early mornings, Starbucks, driving, classes, being hungry, eating dinner, and assembling furniture. But that being said, it has been a good week. The weather has been ideal-long, breezy, sunny days that stretch on longer than they should into the evening. I love weeks like that.

Today I rented a few movies from the library at school- City of God, Crash, and I am Curious. On our break between classes, Courtney and I went back to the apartment to hang out and began to watch City of God. I cannot recommend this movie enough if you haven't seen it- especially if you enjoy movies about gangsters and shit. And if not, the cinematography and plotlilne are enough to keep you interested.

meow, kitties

2008-08-23T12:08:00.000-07:00

Two things.

The first- Have you seen what has happened to Fred Durst lately? You know, like that guy who used to be that really angsty lead singer of Limp Biskit, sang about nookies? Well anyway, this picture was on Perez Hilton and he looks like some older guy that belongs in a coffee ad.

And finally: Yesterday Courtney, her mom, Sarah Roske, and I went on what should have been a fairly easy to accomplish adventure to the Ikea store in Paramus, New Jersey. We needed to get a variety of items, large and small, for the ongoing project of decorating our apartment and figured that the distance was worth the opportunity of a one stop shop. In ways, it was. In others, not. After spending an approximate four hours in what can most aptly be described as the Swedish mecca, we were forced to load the goods into the car. This, however, was not as easy as it may seem. Especially when you drive a Honda Accord. And there are four people in the car. And you bought enough trappings to furnish a small boutique chain. We ended up using twine, lots of twine. When I asked an Ikea employee if they could so possibly assist us, they proceeded to come over and say "As long as it's tight, everything's fine." He didn't check any of the ropes which we had tied in an X shaped pattern to keep the furniture from propelling off the roof during the dreaded drive back. No, he just told me something that I clearly was already aware of. Sow what do you do in this situation? We wished very much for it to be tight enough and departed for White Plains, New York. This, also, was not as easy as it may seem. Courtney had zero rear visibility and Sarah and I were squished between a mattress and a pillow top mattress and had to act as her eyes during merges. Colette was in charge of directions and overall moral support. The exit for the GSP North seemed impossible to find off of 17, I think we passed it a good four times. But eventually, we got it right. And the car fell into motion, back on the road again. Traffic, unfortunately, was not so kind to us. We sat five miles from the Tappan Zee Bridge and twidled our thumbs. We got home at nine or so, assembled some things, and passed out for a night of much needed sleep. My days seem very long lately and I mean that in a way that is for the most part good. Who ever wants summer to end?

in the sunshine smoking cigarettes to pass the time, who wakes up to a bottle of wine

2008-08-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

tomorrow, tomorrow!

courtneybrian comes back from cross country road trip and moves into our lovely apartment. and by then, we will have the furniture i have been waiting for. i am excited.

My sister is back from Costa Rica, looking tan as ever. (I'm still too pale and jealous.) She's back to complaining about metal spoons (she refuses to use them) and tags (won't touch them and has them cut out of everything). It's pretty funny. My family has some very strange quirks. And those are only the tip of the iceberg.

Tonight my mother and I tried to have a conversation with my father about various emails and the acquistion of the aforementioned furniture, but it ended up with us laughing at how drunk he was and how nothing was making sense. Good.

I had to go to the dentist earlier today which is really good for nothing but listening to lots and lots of music on my Ipod. In the midst of the cleaning, I found this really good song "Sometimes" by My Bloody Valentine.

Though this summer has certainly been one of the best of my young life, it has also gone by the fastest. But then again, most of life has gone by so fast. College itself has been a blur. (That could be the alcohol, though.) I used to joke with people about what it means to "live fast", but maybe life is just living fast. Maybe we all live fast. They say time flies by when you're having fun, maybe there's some truth in that.

I hate the point in the night when you have to consciously make a decision to try to go to bed. Not because you want to, but because you should. You'll be tired tomorrow if you don't. I love to sleep but if it wasn't for being tired, I think I'd almost always choose being awake. But for now, it's sleep. I'll be tired tomorrow if I don't. So goodnight, friends and fellow readers.

some people think they're always right, others are quiet and uptight, some don't seem so very nice nice nice nice oh oh

2008-08-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

everything comes back.

I've never read Kurt Cobain's journals, but he was a pretty interesting guy (not to mention, one of our friends is named after him) and I've always wanted to. Also, grunge is just plain old cool, but that goes without saying. I'm always interested to see what influences people (I think that this is a result of being a writer & having many influences myself) so I thought it was really awesome that Kurt compiled a list of his top 50 albums. You won't be surprised at a lot of the names on the list, but almost all of them make visible sense.

50. Raping a Slave - Swans  49. Mazzy Star - Mazzy Star  48. Over the Edge - Wipers  47. Youth of America - Wipers  46. Is This Real? - Wipers  45. The Man Who Sold the World - David Bowie  44. Beach Party - Marine Girls  43. Takes a Nation of Millions - Public Enemy  42. Flowers of Romance - Pil  41. The Record - Fear  40. Damaged - Black Flag  39. Locust Abortion Technician - Butthole Surfers  38. We are those who Ache Amorous Love  37. Meet the Beatles - Beatles  36. Generic Flipper - Flipper  35. Yip Jump Music - Daniel Johnston  34. Superfuzz Bigmuff - Mudhoney  33. Last Sessions Vol 1 - Leadbelly  32. Tales of Terror - Tales of Terror  31. Jamboree - Beat Happening  30. Rites of Spring - Rites of Spring  29. Void/Faith EP - Void/Faith  28. Combat Rock - Clash  27. Typical Girls - Slits  26. Burning Farm Cassette - Shonen Knife  25. Green - R.E.M.  24. What is This? - Punk Comp California  23. Rocks - Aerosmith  22. Colossal Youth - Young Marble Giants  21. Raincoats LP - Raincoats  20. Anything by: - Kleenex  19. Know Your Product - The Saints  18. Get the Knack - The Knack  17. Daydream Nation - Sonic Youth  16. Dry - P.J. Harvey  15. It's only Right and Natural - Frogs  14. Nevermind the Bollocks - Sex Pistols  13. Entertainment - Gang of Four  12. Rock for Light - Bad Brains  11. My War - Black Flag  10. Pee Pee the Sailor - Butthole Surfers  09. 1st EP - Saccharin Trust  08. 1st EP - Scratch Acid  07. Millions of Dead Cops - M.D.C.  06. Land Shark - Fang  05. Philosophy of the World - Shaggs  04. Pink EP - The Vaselines  03. POD - Breeders  02. Surfer Rosa - The Pixies  01. Raw Power - The Stooges

Those top two albums are both just so good.

but anyway.

I've neglected this blog a little lately due to a lack of wireless internet.  I'll try and change that.  Later.

you're not right in the head and nor am i and this is why, this is why i like you.

2008-08-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the eye doctor because I was getting these terrible headaches as a result of the car accident a few weeks ago. This is boring, I know. But I am recounting this seemingly boring event for a purpose. If you are a hipster and you are poor and you are in need of some sunglasses, you should go to the eye doctor. These give out these free shades to anyone who gets their pupils dilated (you know, the ones that make old people look like robots). Getting your pupils dilated kind of sucks, but the free shades are a cool perk:

Other than that, today has been uneventful...which is nice for a change. I went grocery shopping for the apartment (which I actually enjoy doing for some strange mom-ish reason, unbeknownst why even to myself). My mom bought me a coffee maker, which is exciting. Caffeine is always welcome and I'm sure I will be needing a lot of it to survive those unfortunate early classes come fall semester.

summer fever, what a bleeder, hot summer, hot summer

2008-08-11T08:42:00.001-07:00

I am concerned for the world. Is that a strange sentiment? This shit with Georgia and Russia, the fact that we gave the Olympics to China- a nation which is known for being hostile and uncooperative toward US/UN relations (who thought that was a good idea, I'd like to know), the never ending equation of global warming, the John Edwards baby daddy bullshit, the problem of the Middle East, the fact that President Bush is chillin in Beijing instead of doing the one thing he hasn't done in four years- his job, the upcoming election which has already reared its ugly head in the arena of injustice, and the fact that I'm probably still forgetting a number of other issues. I really despise politics, it's all bureaucratic nonsense built on the basis of what other than money money moneeeeeeey, but the prospect of a future in this war torn world is frankly, quite frightening. Change is not only a choice, but a necessity.

Anyway.

Summer comes to an end soon, but let's not talk about that. School starts the twenty-fifth, but let's not talk about that. I've had a cold for what seems like forever, but let's not talk about that. I've been home for a few days, but I'm going back to the apartment some time tomorrow. There's so many things that I still want to do. I don't want it to end. I don't ever want things to end.

Here's for 90s grunge. I'm so obsessed with this video, but I'm computer illiterate and can't figure out how to post it, so I leave you with the link:

Hey- The Pixies

Ciao, for now.

when you're born a lover, you're born to suffer.

2008-08-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

The past week has consisted of:

Packing. This was probably the first time I have ever packed anything in my life and not been under the influence of alcohol. For example, the last time I packed was to leave college in May and Courtney and I somehow managed to leave that until the morning of her flight and just four mere hours before my parents came to gather me and my belongings. We also were drunk on tequila & yager and hadn't slept in two days. You can imagine how many things we forgot, lost, and/or threw out (couldn't tell you which). Sober packing takes a lot longer. And is a lot more boring. But you do manage to remember where you put what, so I suppose that's a plus.

The move to the Westchester apt. Didn't take half as long as I'd imagined. I'm not sure whether I have the sobriety to thank for this or the fact that like four people were helping.

Wolf Parade show. They opened with "Sons & Daughters of Hungry Ghosts," played a bunch of stuff from their new album (At Mt. Zoomer), did a 3 song encore, and closed with "I'll Believe in Anything." Really was a great show, they killed it.

Hardly any unpacking. Still about 10 boxes of clothing sitting idly in my room. Whatever.

Hanging out with Oli/Jown/Sonja. Saw the Dark Knight, which actually was really good (the best part: "Want to see a magic trick? I'll make this pencil disappear"). Got new friends for Kurt & fam. Had some story time on the typewriter until the ribbon got fucked up. Also, movies & beer & even some domesticity- Oli cooked for us (Black Sheep, Equilibrium, The Tripper, The Fountain, Marie Antoinette and as for the beer, Sam Adams Boston Lager and one night, we decided to be classy and go with forties).

Sitting on pillows in the living room since I still haven't bought much furniture. Shopping is a to-do for this week.

Never waking up before eleven = the closest thing to heaven on earth.

These songs have gotten a lot of play the past seven days:

All These Things That I Have Done- The Killers

Take Another Piece of My Heart- Janis Joplin

Goodnight Lovers- Depeche Mode

Music to Fuck to- Portishead

2080- Yeasayer

Nude- Radiohead

Special K- Placebo

Ceremony- Joy Division

Bixby Canyon Bridge- Death Cab

London Calling- The Clash

Weekends & Bleak Days- The Young Knives

Fickle Cycle- Animal Collective

Sweetness- Morrissey

Different Strokes for Different Folk- Sly & the Family Stones

Kissing Families- Silversun Pickups

Turn, Turn, Turn- The Byrds

I Wanna Be Your Dog- Iggy Pop

Wild Child- The Doors

i got the whole world at my feet.

2008-07-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

Got back from a nice weekend at the Hamptons. Brief overview:

Friday- didn't get out there until around 5:30 pm. You always hear people from the city complaining about Hamptons traffic and I can see why. It took about three hours, during which we made small talk, big talk, and almost died a few times passing in and out of the carpool lanes- but had we not, who knows when we would have arrived, so one minor accident didn't seem like too high of a price to pay. That night, we went out to East Hampton for dinner- although, had somewhat of a hard time finding a restaurant due to lack of a reservation and twenty million hungry people who had been waiting idly in the doorway ahead of us.

Saturday- woke up and headed straight for the beach. Found a huge hole that these kids must have spent hours digging and decided to bury someone in it. Succeeded until only his head showed. Then the kids came back and looked sad. We felt bad for about a minute. Then got over it. The water wasn't too cold and although it was a bit rough, Patrice and I ventured in somewhat. Went back to the mansion and changed for tennis. Attempted to play doubles (tennis is the one sport I am unbelievably awful at). Then gave up and decided to drink beer with everyone else. Then decided to funnel beer. Always a good idea. Most of everyone proceeded to get considerably more inebriated as the day turned into night. Went out to dinner at Bamboo- this trendy restaurant that for some reason (no one could really surmise why) happened to have a d.j. spinning as soon as you entered the door. The food was good (Patrice and I ended up sharing sushi), the service was terrible. Lots of weirdos/forty year olds dancing on drugs/gay dudes/drunks. Interesting. Went back to the house. Two girls came over, but that turned into what can only be described as a train wreck fast. So they left and everyone else continued to fight, drink, fight, drink, laugh, and watch movies. A good night.

Sunday- stormed all day uncontrollably. Played hide and go seek, which is a lot harder than you would think considering that the mansion was decorated super minimalistically. Was fun. Then watched movies, drank, and hung out. Decided to cook dinner and dessert for all the boys. Turned out good, could have been a lot better, but given everything, still good. Patrice made teriyaki chicken, steak with wine sauce, and pasta with (one drop of) vodka sauce. I made a yellow butter cake with chocolate frosting. Everyone ate and then we watched a movie, drank, and played a game of beer pong. Everyone played pretty badly. But we won (although barely) and that's all that mattered.

Monday- woke up, helped clean the house somewhat, and left for home. Met the Innocentis in the city for dinner. Then went home and passed out, for a long night of sleep.

So now it's time to buckle down and get ready for the Westchester apartment! I can't believe I move in on Friday. It's so soon and I have (almost) nothing ready.

My mother took me household shopping today and we ended up finding a few things- namely a dining set. It's a black, shiny round table with these chairs:

Very modern and they're actually really comfortable, so it works.

My sister leaves for Costa Rica on Thursday so that is making everyone crazy, especially my parents. Whatever.

My car won't be ready until the end of the week probably and I'm really annoyed about that since I thought it was supposed to be done today. But what can you do.

don't you know that it's insane?

2008-07-24T17:03:00.000-07:00

Today, I got a ct scan on my brain to see if I may have suffered a concussion (minor or otherwise) during my lovely little car accident. I don't think I did and neither did the doctor that I saw, but better safe than sorry, right? Sure. Whatever. It was interesting. Interesting, in that it meant I got to lay down and remain incredibly still for what felt like an hour but in actuality was about ten minutes while my electronic bed moved ever so slightly, up and down, left and right, in the midst of a half tunnel that looked like something straight out of Star Trek/Wars/one of those shows (you get it). Perhaps, the correct term would be unpleasant. It would have been tolerable had my Ipod not been dead and had it been a later hour than 11 a.m. Unfortunately, this was not the case. But all things given, it was an experience.

I have been attempting to pack my belongings for the move-in which will occur in one week. This is easier said then done. But I don't really mind it...the idea of the apartment is incredibly exciting for a number of reasons- for one, no more dirty clothes/going commando/being sockless! Having a washer/dryer will seriously be a huge thing to look forward to. Especially since it will be one less thing for me to waste money on.

My computer is about to die and I am running out of (pointless?) things to say, so I'm afraid this is where I leave you, my dear and loyal readers.

Until further notice,

Your Humble Narrator

you sit there in your heart ache waiting for some beautiful boy to, save you from your own ways.

2008-07-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

Since I was unable to leave the house today (car won't be fixed until tomorrow or something), I had plenty of time to catch up on some online shopping. While this is not an activity which, under normal circumstances, I would consider to be particularly productive, I figured that it would save me some time & some actual shopping in finding things for my and Courtney's new apartment. I move in on August 1st so there's just one mere week to get all of this shit together. But it will happen. Here's some things I'm hoping to pick up asap:

I used to be obsessed with Helmut Newton photography and this print really reminds me of it. It will be perfect for my bedroom.
This just seems like it will go well with everything Courtney & I own. For the living room.
I need lamps. I'm probably going to bring these antique storm glass ones I have in my room at home but I thought this was cheeky and cute. For my bedroom.

Another Newton-esque print for the bedroom.

I just thought this was funny- an ape and beer. Random. But I like it. I'm thinking for the kitchen.

Everyone who knows me knows how much I love books. So it's only natural that I should have a lot of storage for them in my room.
We have a living room with a fireplace that I think this would fit well in. I really like this color.
So, I have a bed at home but I like this one. Plus I get bored & like to move my furniture around a lot & this looks like it would be conducive to that.
Similar color to the other chair I picked out. Also for the living room as extra seating. Still need to find a couch & some sort of armchair, but I'd like to opt vintage for those.
I love chandeliers and I love colors and I think it will be nice lighting for the living room.

A coat hanger. Hey, it's practical. And hopefully will reduce the excess clothing problem.

Obviously, a shower curtain for the bathroom. I thought this one was really different- it's a Patrick McMullan photo from Studio 54.

and i want to know my fate, if i keep up this way

2008-07-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

Fuck Uber. It has been a royal bitch lately so I have made an executive decision to take my blogging business elsewhere. And here, at blogspot, I have arrived. Why, hello.

The past weekend was a whirlwind of fun times, hot weather, and incoherence. I shall elaborate below.

It was kicked off with a venture of Mariko and Sarah to the humble apartment of Lucien and Tine (note: although the latter does not necessarily possess legitimate "ownership" of aforementioned apartment, she might as well given her pseudo marriage to Lucien built on the basis of bacon and Death Cab) on the Upper East Side. We went out to a strangely kitschy (as in campy, as in tacky) bbq restaurant because it was packed full of hopped up twenty-somethings and offered thoughtful creations such as "frickles" (translation: fried pickles- sounds gross, but quite good in actuality) and fishbowl drinks that come with a billion crazy straws and a toy alligator. We named our alligator Melvin. Mariko wanted to name him Ally, but Tine wrote Melvin in Sharpie on his stomach before she could say otherwise. We took Melvin with us to Coney Island for the Siren Fest, which is basically a day of free music where twenty million hipsters take over Coney Island and try to eat your soul. It was a great experience. I'm not being sarcastic, for once. We got there in the afternoon, hung out on the beach, created a game (Have a Sand Ball) because we were impossibly bored and wary of swimming in possible STD/syringe infested waters, and then listened to good music. Islands was amazing- just as good, if not better than when Angel and I saw them at Webster Hall. Angel, Oli, Jown, and Sonja met us and boogied down. It was hot outside. Everyone was dancing. Everyone was loving it. There was one point where everyone was getting pushed around and we almost got shoved over one of those metal police fences but we were dazed anyway, so it was okay.

On the subway on the way back, everyone listened to Ipods and/or fell asleep. Narrow Stairs has been getting a lot of play between our group of friends. When we got back to the apartment, Carmen took a shower, Lucien tried to go to bed, Tine disappeared into Matt's room, and Mariko and I played a game called Drunk Driver (note: does not involve drunk driving, my friends). That was mistake number one. Kidding. By the time Carmen got out of the shower, we should have stopped. Instead, we decided to play Circle of Death (which is similar to kings and note: I can see why they call it that). We watched Brokeback Mountain because it was the only thing on t.v. and like no one had seen it and called Courtney to ask her why Jake Gyllenhal was beating his wet clothing with sticks. At some point, I fell asleep in Lucien's kitchen. Then made my way to the sleeper sofa. Couldn't tell you when.

Sunday was the Santogold concert in Central Park. We got there at 2 and listened to random (although good) d.j.s that all sounded the same for four hours until Santogold went on. Tine, Lotty, and I went on a seemingly impossible mission down Lexington Avenue to find salt & vineager chips. The UES is full of high class whores and couture clothing, not delis, apparently. Made it back just in time for Santogold. She was good, but it wasn't amazing. For some reason, no one danced. Too pretentious, I suppose.

Lotty and I took the subway together to Grand Central, then parted ways and I found myself on the shuttle to Port Authority and subsequently, on a bus back home to good old New Jersey.

Oh and I forgot to mention, I got hit by a commercial truck a few days ago. The whole side of my car is fucked up. A piece came off. It was sad. My back/neck/shoulders hurt. I have really bad black and blue bruises on my left knee and foot (which my Dad is convinced may be broken). Hopefully the car will be fixed soon and I will be fixed soon. We will see.

Well, that was my weekend. Epic? Yes, yes, and yes.